The Art

A solo session is more than just an easy way to put a smile on your face. It's the secret to busting through mental blocks and finding new ways to rack up big orgasms during sex a deux
BY NICOLE BELAND

Thanks in part to movies featuring loser teens violating freshly baked pies, masturbation has a rep as a last resort for the desperate and dateless. Not true. It's practically a national pastime--and not just for guys. In a 1993 survey by psychologist Carol Rinkleib Ellison, Ph.D., the author of Women's Sexualities, 75 percent of the fairer sex said they had thrown a party for one in the past three months. And in a 2004 survey by the Berman Center in Chicago, 44 percent of female respondents said they used a vibrator to paddle their pink canoe. We may not talk about it much, but when it comes to shagging ourselves, we girls are anything but shy.

And while you'd think singles would be the ones spending more time with their hands below their belts, studies show that people who are married or live with a partner play with themselves more often than those on the dating circuit. Frequent self-¬pleasuring has also been linked with high self-esteem, better body image, and a more active sex life. Which is why so many sex therapists encourage clients who are unhappy in the sack to start getting it on alone.

"There's a strong correlation between willingness to explore your own body and bring yourself to orgasm and being willing to explore with your partner and have orgasms together," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a New York sex therapist and the author of Sex Detox. "Women who masturbate are usually more comfortable with their bodies and with sex in general."

Any kind of autoerotic activity is better than none, but the payoff for adventurous masturbation is much bigger than a mindless nub rub. "Masturbation is the single best way to discover new and more profound turn-ons that you can later put into play with your partner," says Berman Center founder, sex therapist, and WH advisor Laura Berman, Ph.D. So with the help of top experts, we've outlined a guide to advanced masturbation that could be the best thing to happen to your love life since your college boyfriend finally found your clitoris.

Screw with Your Head

Whether it's imagining Eric Bana licking his way up your thighs or pretending you've been kidnapped by a sex-starved Swedish masseur, finding fantasies that light your fire is key to boosting desire and upping your odds of reaching orgasm alone and in company. "To tune in to a sexual experience, you have to first turn off the parts of your brain associated with stress and anxiety," Kerner says. "And fantasizing is the most effective way to accomplish that." The logic is simple: You can't worry about work, money, or unfolded laundry when your frontal lobe is focused on a reenactment of the train scene in Risky Business.

Have doubts about the power of fantasy? Consider this: Back in 1992, Beverly Whipple, Ph.D., co-author of The Science of Orgasm, along with her colleagues Gena Ogden, Ph.D., and Barry Komisaruk, Ph.D., monitored the blood pressure, heart rate, pupil diameter, and pain tolerance of 10 women who claimed they could think their way to climax. As the subjects fantasized in a lab, seven exhibited the exact physical responses caused by hands-on stimulation. How's that for a beautiful mind?
Share your best masturbation tips.

I read a bit deeper into another  reader's post (excerpt shown below).   I  too have had some shared and similar experiences. I am 47 by the way..
If you are taking an anti-depressant drug, any SSRI or SSNRI type medication (and even other possible medications!) yes, they CAN interfere with orgasms. And I do masturbate often at least every other day now, sometimes daily and even twice a day!  I have discovered that no matter what I try sometimes I am unable to orgasm, get that much needed release after the build up.  Masturbation allows you to pleasure yourself in a way that you know feels good. Relying on a guy to do exactly what feels great for you AND feels good can be challenging enough, especially at a younger age.
Here's what i suggest based on my lifetime so far of my personal experiences. I am NOT a doctor, nurse therapist or psychiatrist.  I am however very in touch with my body, read much about sex and sexuality, plus I do enjoy sex with smother person and alone by myself.
So for what it's worth, i would:
 1) talk to your lady gynecologist or physician about drugs that could be messing with you physically (usually it's related to a "circulation problem");
 2) try masturbating more often, yes more often, even continuing with
Ore pleasure since you are then more relaxed, teach yourself to relax and get into the moment, even using different toys thereby mixing it up a bit to better understand what feels good, even great, and amazing, if not more often, spend more quality time with yourself; and
 3) communicate with your partner about what feels good.  Most always he WANTS you to orgasm, so let him know you're a "special cookie" who likes to slow down, take your time.  Women are all so different in what gets them turned on and aroused and to the final orgasm.. and men know it!   If he just wants to stick himself inside you and pump away, then you're really not getting what you deserve, plus he's acting selfishly or just is immature and doesn't know better and/or is wiser.  These types of situations can become routine, even mundane, and just expected as "sex versus really pleasuring yourself" and I know from experience in my younger days in my 20s, and I wasn't even masturbating then., not having many orgasms,
   It could very well be an unknown or unidentified psychological/emotional issue as well.  For me too I suspect my mind is racing with other thoughts that distract me, so unless I can put things out of my mind, simply allowing me to relax and focus on the great feelings I may often be "blocked.". I'll just stop rather than exhaust myself with such intention and fervor that just pressures me in a way, snd then come back later in the day or evening to try again, and you know what, it always seems to work then and is often more intense than others  I guess I've learned that having an orgasm is not necessarily a "must-have" component to my sexuality.  I have accepted this.
  Hope this helps a bit,,, trust me I too have my challenges even now at 47, but I also now acknowkedge some of the things and situations and know that there is help, you CAN do something about it, and do it in a way with some help of your own snd from others, and not place much pressure on yourself.  Don't be uncomfortable seeking out help from your friendly doctor... They want to help you, that is their goal, mission, and they talk to patients daily about things that may be uncomfortable for patients to express, so it's not that big of deal to them. Print something out on tbe issue and hand it to them... ask them what they think about it, can you help me. And do it with a giggle or grin. Read below about my Viagra experience.
I have actually sometimes been taking Viagra 25-50 mg when with a partner, and it helps.  There are studies that show the Viagra drug helps with women on anti-depressant medications who experience FSD ("female sexual disorder").  You may want to Google the topic, research more yourself to learn more about studies and share with your doctors.  I found my women doctors were not really up to speed on this since Viagra is a drug developed for men. They were actually intrigued ny my research. Neverthess I was able to secure prescriptions from my gynecogist and psychiatrist (who put me on the anti-depressant to begin with ) .
 I also tried Niacin pills over the counter ("OTC") (less expensive too
which is good for blood circulation.  I remember having one of the most intense sexual experiences inu 20s when a guy gave me a Niacin pill.  this type made my skin flush, warm, a very new and unusual experience but also highly effective.  There is also non-flushing Niacin abailable OTC.  I do remember he took his time with me, massaged me all over so I was very relaxed, and i am nearly certain that also added to the overal intense experience, so good I remember nearly 30 years later.  Having a good patient lover can't hurt! 
And from what I remember in my younger college aged days. a bit of marijuana can increase your sensitivity, a good medical reason to help with FSD (female sexual disorder). Now I use it occasionally for headaches, Ha!
Good luck to you, and may you have many amazing orgasms in your future.
FlowerChick, 47
Californis  
     
What a great article... I'm quite surprised the number of women who have been shall I say "brainwashed" by religious groups about sex, masturbation, fantasies, etc. 
Seems to me if more people were comfortable with their bodies, their sexuality,, etc, plus there was more oral sex in our societies.... We might have world peace.  There are many people so uptight about sex, you know, get over it, do whatever you need to do to enjoy this very important aspect of you, your life. Your sexuality, your love and relationships! Gee, you only live once, how long are you going to go on denying yourself? 
For  "KMATHRN ON OCT 22 2008 - 4:30PM@ who posted:
"...I would like to spice up things between my husband and me and would like to try some sex toys. I just don't know how to talk to my husband about them or introduce them. Any suggestions?"
Yes, just go buy something! Just do it yourself, for yourself!  Buy something on the Internet or even try eBay! That's where I buy all my toys, much less expensive than the local adult toy store too.  Once you get more comfortable with toys, I bet you'll be more comfortable shopping locally.  It's always nice to support local small business.  I suspect your husband will love it that you took the initiative and just did it. There really is something very sexy and empowering about a woman who can take iniative, learn to love her body, at least that's my experience. Men love it!  Tell him you have a surprise for him and be sure to buy him something he can use alone and/or with you.  Make it "his" gift too.  once you get past this "silly" uncomfortableness, it's going to open your eyes to a whole new world. I hope  this helps, and good luck, and much fun to you.  Just do it!
FlowerChick4U
California
I would really like to know what foods I can eat to eliminate the excruiating headache I get with my first orgasm. It is gone by the 9th or 10th but is almost unbearable during the first. Thank you
I love it to! I am a pastors wife in a holiness denimination and my husband and i completely agree with the article. The only warning is to be sure you are fantasizing about your spouse and not some one elses!
Ladies I am a pasyors wife in a holiness denomination and allow me to tell you that there is nothing shameful or wrong abour masturbation as long as you are not fantasizing about a man that is not your husband. If you are single and can masturbate without fantasizing about a man then you are good to go but the bible says nothing bad about masturbation but it does about lust. Ladies, het yourself a good rabbit vibrator or gspot vibrator and lock the door or let your husband watch. Orgasms are God fiven and meant to be enjoyed ladies! There has not been a time that I have not had an orgasm during sex in the past 10 years and if I have it my way there never will be again! Have fun!
I loved this article! I don't care if this person is supposed to be an "expert" or not. The advice given is very real and down to earth. Take it just like you would with anyone else; either use it or don't. It's up to you as an individual. It's about time someone debunked all the stupid taboos about masturbation for women! Our society has always viewed this as acceptable for men; why not women? I say hats off for this article!
Last time we checked, every woman's body and experiences are quite different. Unless this woman is a biologist or certified sex therapist, take her advise, though she quotes numerous supposed experts, with a grain of salt. It's scary when the un-educated and un-qualified start doling out advice, left, right, and center.
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Loved the article!! And the videostore story?Veery nice! lol -- Now, for all the christians: I am a christian as well, and attend church 5x a week, along with being a youth helper, and i also play the organ at my church!I have to admit, i used to feel guilty too, till I had my first orgasm! I am still a virgin, and not yet married, but sometimes it's so hard to resist my sexual urges, so instead of going out there and sinning, I take care of myself in the privacy of my own home. There is nothing wrong with exploring the beautiful body God gave you! Best To ALL!
very narrow minded of you there dragon3, I am a Christian and have no qualms with masturbation along with millions of others, those old mindsets are changing thankfully, and I fully appreciate the beauty of all Gods creation, especially my own spots!
I love the article!!! I just texted my boyfriend and told him that I want him blindfolded and ready for oral then to switch off to himself then back to oral!!! I CAN'T wait to get home!!! Ps.. I am sneaking downstairs at work and taking care of myself first!!! And for all of you christians - GET OVER IT!! In the words of Tiffany Granath "God gave you the clit, and it serves no other purpose then pleasure!!" So rub the hell out of it and ENJOY!!!!
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Luckily I no longer need to do this but thank you for the article
to KMATHRN1,
Tell your husband that's what YOU need to bring you to orgasm. Go get a nice vibrating toy, nothing too big, dim the lights, have him whisper sexy things he will want to do to you while you relax, lay back and pleasure yourself. Keep the light very low, better yet have nice candles, some wine, and have him stroke and kiss you as you're getting aroused. Ask for a nice, unhurried massage to relax you even more. Women must begin to speak up and take care of their own pleasure. Unless you do, all these men mistakenly beleive by inserting their penis in and out is enough to bring on a powerful orgasm, Their penis's don't vibrate to create that instense build up as vibrators create. Best to you.
I have used the shower spray to have an orgasm and its pretty good. But my question is, I would like to spice up things between my husband and me and would like to try some sex toys. I just don't know how to talk to my husband about them or introduce them. Any suggestions? I'm afraid he'll just blow me off or say something like, we don't need that. We are both in our 50s, and I think both our libidos are dwindling, but I want to keep the fire going.
To UMGOSPOD, Well if it comforts you, with all my life experience at nearly 50 years old, I have NEVER had an Orgasm by a penis in my vagina during sexual relations!!!. A penis movement in an out does not spark that highly charged orgasm feeling that ONLY... comes, so to speak with clitoral stimulation using a vibrator on the spot that works best. I had my first Orgasm around 21 or 22 years old with a plug in back massager and all these years have become my own feel good expert. The nerves in the first few inches of your vagina are not designed for pleasure like the clit produces. Vaginas are for birthing babies and menstration, but vaginal sex has a satisfying, and connecting experience that bonds a couple. Use a vibrator with your man and take care of yourself during sexual relations. The sensation builds from the clitorous.A patient man who enjoys giving oral sex in a light circular motion can do it for me too. I also need to be completely relaxed, in a meditative state, NO amount of loud screaming, or faking will help you get in that zone, it just sets up a vicious cycle that your man will think your having pleasure when you are NOT. Speak up and don't feel ashamed, it's normal to need clitoral stimulation and then do for yourself, and tell your partner what YOU NEED. I wish you a wonderful pleasurable sex life ahead of with. many happy orgasms.
im just wondering if anyone has any suggestions for someone who's 21, sexually active, and cant seem to have an orgasm. Ive had 2 incredibly patient boyfriends who have tried really hard to help me with the problem. still nothing. i go solo on a weekly basis and consider myself a sexual person. i dont have any inhibitions about being naked or enjoying sex. my current boyfriend is convinced its something psychologically that holds me back, but i dont know what it would be. it feels really good, it builds and builds and then just kind of plateaus without peaking or climaxing. any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. i dont have many female friends who are open or even willing to talk about sex unfortunately.
To splat63,
hahaha! i just moved into a new apartment and we have one of those shower heads that you can take off and has different settings and I thought to myself hmmmm,i wonder what that would be like but I didnt try it as I was concerned about the previous tenants using it for the same thing and EW! I hope you dont rent,if you do - take the showerhead with you lol also I have been a bit of a prude since being with my man - I used to always get myself off but now I dont and I feel offended if he does...which I know is silly because I know its only natural but maybe I would feel more comfortable with the idea if we did it together? I find it hard to reach my fingers in so I only ever get "outside" orgasms for lack of a better word and I dont know how to bring up the idea of getting an instrument of my own without him getting offended probably because Ive been so against anything different sexually since the start of our relationship, I was a christian when I met him and still am but I didnt believe in sex before marriage and it didnt take long for me to give myself away to him so maybe I feel guilty as I have stopped going to church because everyone was telling me I could not date him because he wasnt a christian etc anyway i think this is long enough, when my man gets home I think Ill allow more sexual freedom - we do have sex every day and usually 3 times on weekends but a little variety wouldnt go astray
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It is a stress reliever for me. It calms me down and kind of clears my head! I'm not saying everytime I get stressed at work I run to the restroom and get down (not that there is anything wrong with that)! But after a long hard day or before I leave for work in the morning. It also helps with headaches...
I've had much more intense stimulation during sex when I masterbate before hand...plus it helps me get to sleep too! =P
LETSJETSET - masterbating can help you learn what you like, what 'turns you on' and what will bring you to the "O."
Now, you need to apply that to sex. You know what you like and what makes you feel good, so use that knowledge during sex.
I still don't understand how masturbating can lead to orgasms during sex. I masturbate and have never orgasmed during sex.
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I can remember masterbating as early as 2nd grade! And it helped me sleep too. I'm 24 now and still enjoy myself as often as I like. It's very healthy and helps keep my head right.
Thank God for the toys and everready batteries. lol.
Yep...I'm a guy...and yep...I think masturbation is great. Shocker! I think that most everyone that has been raised in a religious household has dealt with the issue of guilt when it relates to masturbation. Most churches do great job of making sex seem like a horrible sinful act. It's no wonder that kids growing up in that environment and want to behave in a christian manner feel guilty about masturbation. The bottom line is that it's a natural act. Who do you think put sexual desire in your body and made it so strong. God did! If you don't take of business yourself, you'll probably find other, less christian-like ways of finding a release. Like most things in life, it's not hard to find a way to be sinful with how we choose to use them. Masturbation is hardly one of them. Relax, let go of the guilt, and do what comes naturally. There are bigger things in life to worry about.
I don't know about little miss fourteen-year-old...
sarahj14 not to gang up on you or anything but i am almost 15 and i know for shure it is amazing heck it helps me get to sleep and i don't see anything wrong with it and i am a christain i go to church almost three times a week
Thank you for the article. Its a reality in which our society is guilty of but afraid to speak up. I was very young when I first experienced orgasm. I lived thru out my teenage years thinking that I was mentally sick. I had no idea what MASTURBATION was nor had ever heard of it.Why touching my body and masturbating made me feel sexy, happy, rested and much more? Still does. If only I knew back then what I know now I wouldnt have felt so guilty. I'm happily married to a man that is a great lover but yet I can always use some time for myself. Hope to read more of this nature topics...
Sarah J...if you ever had an orgasm, you wouldn't be so disgusted. It's sad that you believe that a woman should remain ignorant to what their bodies are capable of. Masturbation is wonderful. Especially when you have trouble sleeping. Better than a sleeping pill.
i think this article was great! Guys do it
all the time and women probably do it just
as much, we just don't talk about it.
I don't see anything wrong with masterbating...
I don't think "sarahJ14" has ever had an orgasm.
This is a great article for a lot of women...expecially those who don't want or like to have sex. If they learn more about their bodies, they'll be able to learn to enjoy sex.
Oh, Angel84...I think that is the first time I've ever though of sex being "dangerous." That is almost like "driving under the influence!"
I hope you two never get so distracted that you wreck or worse...run someone over!
I couldn't even get through this. That is SO disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
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I think that religion has made it a confusing issue. If you are married, then I don't think there are any qualms about such actions. For me, I just have trouble letting go. I read the "forget about the chore list and fantasize," but it is far easier said than done.
one of our favourite things to do...my husband driving while I give him a blowjob, and when he comes, then I drive while he masturbates me....so freakin hot
Lonelygirl I am religious too, actually a youth leader at my church and my husband and I both masturbate...together and seperately when the tension needs to be taken care of, it actually makes sex hotter when we do it together...guys find it extremely sexy to see a girl pleasure herself...so just imagine what kind of sex kitten your husband would find waiting for him when he gets home if you just take care of it...it is excellent stress relief, and the endorphins make you happy and can help headaches...there is no downside to masturbation...as long as you only use things that are safe (like smooth and such...)
To Lonelygirl...I understand about the guilt and religion, but let's face it dear it's your body. If you can't guilt free release your own anxiety and stres while the hubby is away, you will eventually become crabby and bitter. Plus truth be told ALL men masturbate regardless of religon. So light a candle, spray on some perfume and enjoy what God has given you!
I have a dilemma. I want to masturbate so badly!!! My only problem is that I feel guilty afterwards, because of my religion. My husband is in Iraq and won't be back for a year. And after reading the story about the erotic boutique I am hornier than ever. What do you ladies think?
to Mom1 and Yoga*Girl (and whomever else) - just do whatever you need to do to not over think it. Try to get some fantasies that stay the same so you can get into a routine. I like watching porn if only because the pictures and sounds keep me from TRYING to cum. Just don't get impatient.
You could try blindfolding your partner and letting him/her jerk off (slowly), while you watch. If it turns you on, then you will be thinking about him/her and not yourself. Once you get the hang of it, Yoga Girl, then you can go about it more thoughtfully.
As a potential bonus, I took a med (not birth control) that made it almost impossible to orgasm, but that's when I discovered I could squirt. SO, you never know what you'll find out if you just pretend it doesn't matter if you cum and just relax.
Some women come faster while on their stomachs, and that might be a position that is less familiar.
Good Luck!!!
when I masturbate, I have a hard time when I reach my peak, to relax and let the juices flow.
Glass dildos are a fantastic way to get off. They are hard and perfect for finding my G-spot. Also, you can heat and cool them for extra stimulation!!! The best ones out there are made by a company called "phallix" they are really artsy, but pricy...but I have tried a few different brands...and all I gotta say is you get what you pay for!!!Multiple crazy orgasms!!!
Well honestly whenever I get nightmares which isn't often, I've never been able to shake it off & go back to sleep. Masturbation to the rescue! It chases away the demons every time. Also my husband likes it when we play & he inside, he likes the feeling he receives when I get off. I believe maturbation turns him on. It has taught him what turns me on & he knows my body even better because of it. I too agree that its normal & its nothing to be ashamed of at all. Anyone heard of HBO's "Vagina Monologues" by writer/performer Eve Ensler, it was interesting documentary.
Some interesting points made that are new and worth discussing with my partner!
When your man can't masturbation can. Who knows our body better when ourself. To the 25 year old girl let it go. Try it you will love it.
HOT HOT HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
All you need is the BULLET!!!!!!!!!!!!
Use this little silver wonder and you will FIRE over and over and over again. Wewh!!!!!!!!!!
Sweet mother of God Wandgirl! I'm heading downstairs right now to the women's changeroom at my office to ease the tension you just created. I don't care if that story is true or not, but I'd like to believe it is. I'd go back to that store on a weekly basis!
Sweet mother of God Wandgirl! I'm heading downstairs right now to the women's changeroom at my office to ease the tension you just created. I don't care if that story is true or not, but I'd like to believe it is. I'd go back to that store on a weekly basis!
I love the screw with your head part. It's so true. Thinking about doing something can ALMOST be as hot as doing it. But when your solo and you have to recall that even it makes it so much hotter! Particularly, when you just had a really intense hookup and you use it later for solo action.
like to know more about the advantages and disadvantages of mastubation
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•    By Wandgirl on Jul 6 2008 - 5:50pm
Roseglow, if it hadn't been close to closing time, it never would have happened! The boutique was also quite private and located in a brownstone along a city street.
A silicone or gel type of dildo would feel better--having one inside while placing the vibrator on the clitoris leads to a very fulfilling, deep orgasm.
The coil is the other type of electric vibrator besides the wand style of massager. It has the shape of a small hair dryer or hand mixer, has a metal prong on the end, and comes with attachments that give different sensations.
The brand I use now is the Wahl, powerful and quiet. I often can't resist giving myself a quick come in the bedroom, fully dressed, before going out!
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•    By roseglow on Jul 6 2008 - 2:01am
I find that hard to belive that something like that would go on in a store. Sounds like a sex story though.
Any how, what's a coil vibrator?
I like the article and I guess i have to find some more th ings to interest me or float my boat. How are glass dildos for finding different pleasures? Anyone.?
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•    By jessicarraboin on Jul 5 2008 - 1:35am
Great article. Exactly what i needed, Reassurance. (sp)